(drowning in) the deep end of fatherhood
There’s been a handful of moments in my life where my own death felt tangibly close at hand.
The first one has been recounted to me, I don’t remember it. I was a baby and on my dad’s shoulders. We were in the cement basement of our house in North Dakota and I fell off my perch. I was wearing overalls and my dad caught me by the straps an inch before my head smacked the floor.
The second was probably 8 or 9 years later. My dad had an ATV home from work and he let me drive it. We were out in the country on a road and I almost ran it off the ledge of a 15 foot drop off into a cement canal. I remember grasping the hand brake and hitting the foot brake with every last bit of strength, but I wasn’t strong enough. Again dad was to the rescue.
Both of those times I honestly probably wouldn't have died. Maybe I would have but it would have been bad news for sure.
The third one I can remember another 8 years later, I was 16. A few buddies and I went tubing down a local river, and to kick it off everyone jumped off the bridge, probably a 15-20 foot drop. I was frozen in fear. At the time I was a poor swimmer and terrified of heights. I felt I had to do it to prove myself, and I remember climbing over the railing and feeling like I had no bodily control. I stumbled off without proper awareness and I fell right on top of someone that was swimming. Luckily no one got too hurt, but it threw me into an intense panic. I remember hitting the water, feeling pain, and I immediately reacted as if I was drowning. I was really scared for my life.
That moment is what all this lead up is about. In that experience of panic, the following three things were true:
I was in over my head, in this case both literally and figuratively.
I did not have the training or skills that I needed for the experience.
I was unable to be honest with and communicate how I felt, so I acted on impulse.
Sounds a little bit like parenting. In this case, the “deep end of fatherhood” refers to simply being unprepared for something that you haven’t done before, and bumping and panicking your way through it with the possibility of hurting someone else--maybe you or your partner, but namely your kid.
Parenting is a great equalizer. It kicks everyone’s ass. It pushes everyone past their limits. It drops us off a bridge without knowing how to swim, and we just have to figure it out.
But is that something we have to be ok with? When I’m older and wiser (if Olaf is right), maybe I’ll chill out on this point. Maybe I’ll say “you know what, it’s a good thing we don’t talk about or teach skills for the most important parts of our lives. It builds character. I was WRONG, having some community, communication, and deep meaningful support ISN’T helpful when we take on the role that directly has the biggest impact of our entire life.”
But for now, my guns are blazing. Fatherhood is as important as it gets. We stumble into it and do it mostly alone. This is so far from optimal it’s ridiculous.
In my fatherhood programs lately, something really clear and beautiful has been unearthed. When a dad really steps up, what emerges is an energy of clarity, protection, service, and leadership that is sourced in pure love. It is clear to me that this energy can do a hell of a lot of good to a hell of a lot of people.
And so “the deep end of fatherhood” has multiple meanings. It means thrashing in water over our head, but it also points to the solid and profound depth of dads, which seems to be a very naturally occurring capacity.
All it takes is a little uncovering, some support, and accountability.
I’d like to see more and more dads move from drowning to truly thriving. I guarantee it’ll be good for everyone.